I was at the grocery store, buying avocados for my toast, and I thought to myself

I'm not just purchasing produce, I'm making a poignant statement about the fleeting nature of millennial trends, and the camera pans out as I dramatically declare, 'I'll take a dozen, and a side of existential dread.'

I'm not one to complain about minor setbacks, but the other day my coffee shop order was wrong, so

I delivered a 10-minute soliloquy about the human condition, the fleeting nature of caffeine, and the crushing despair of a misplaced creamer, all while the barista stood there, politely asking if I wanted it remade.

He told me he wanted a woman who was 'driven, intelligent, and takes care of herself.'

Then he asked if I could come over and just 'hang out' while he played video games for our second date.

He told me he was 'a really good cook' on his dating profile, and that he loved making 'gourmet meals.'

Turns out 'gourmet' means microwaving chicken nuggets and serving them on a plate he just rinsed under the tap.