I just spent 20 minutes staring blankly at my fridge.

Not because I was hungry, but because I was calculating the optimal day to buy groceries based on expiring coupons, my work schedule, and the lunar cycle.

I've been noticing that guys on dating apps love to brag about being 'dog dads'

but their idea of 'parenting' is just posting a cousin's dog on their profile

He posted on Instagram about 'embracing solitude' and 'finding peace in his own company.'

Then I scrolled down and saw he’d tagged three different photographers in the last week.

I'm not just running late for work, I'm

orchestrating a thrilling, against-all-odds, commute-as-action-movie sequence, complete with a pulse-pounding soundtrack and an Oscar-worthy monologue about the tribulations of public transportation.