I love how some restaurants put 'artisanal' on their menus

like that's supposed to excuse the fact that I'm paying $12 for a grilled cheese sandwich made by a 20-year-old named Chad

I love buying clothes online.

It's like playing a fun game of 'will this make me look like the model, or a potato wearing a sack?'

I went on a date with a guy who said he was a 'minimalist'

His apartment had 12 video game consoles and a signed poster of himself

My printer jammed at work this morning.

I didn't just unjam it; I treated it like a high-stakes bomb defusal, narrating every precise, delicate movement, knowing one wrong flick could mean... paper cuts.