They say diamonds are forever, and chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand...

...but my preferred Valentine's gift is a streaming service that doesn't ask 'Are you still watching?' because it *knows* I am.

Why did the rose go to the party on Valentine's Day?

Because it was a blooming good time

Are you a Valentine's candy heart?

Because you're sweet and have all the right messages... but I'm pretty sure you're mostly sugar and artificial coloring.

My friends asked what my big romantic plans were for Valentine's Day.

I told them I'm having a passionate affair... with my sweatpants and a gallon of ice cream. It's complicated, but we make it work.