I saw a guy's dating profile where he described himself as 'low-key' and looking for 'good vibes only.'

Which I've learned is code for 'I bring absolutely nothing to the table, and I will never acknowledge your feelings.'

My therapist told me I needed to 'be present' and 'live in the moment.'

So now I just aggressively stare at my to-do list, convinced I'm practicing mindfulness.

My favorite pair of jeans are the ones I bought three years ago because they were 'a little loose.'

Now they require a full body exhale and a prayer to the denim gods just to get past my knees.

I love how some self-care apps let you track your progress and set reminders to practice mindfulness

Because what's more relaxing than having an app yell at you for not meditating enough?