Our family's Thanksgiving dinner seating chart isn't about politeness or proximity to the food.

It's a strategic battlefield plan to minimize exposure to Uncle Steve's political theories and Aunt Carol's 'When are you getting married?' interrogation.

Every Thanksgiving, my teenage nephew tries to explain his latest TikTok dance to my grandma.

She just keeps asking if he needs more fiber.

In my family, the most competitive event at Thanksgiving isn't football or eating the most pie.

It's seeing who can fall asleep on the couch first after dinner.

Alright everyone, it's time for the main event! As I carve this magnificent turkey, I just hope my knife work doesn't lead to any...

...fowl play.