Some guys on dating apps say they want an 'independent woman.'

What they actually mean is 'a woman who doesn't *need* anything from me, but is always available for me.'

I love how some skincare products claim to be 'anti-aging' as if they're not just delaying the inevitable

I was at the grocery store, and as I reached for the last loaf of bread, I felt a surge of drama

So I monologued to the entire aisle, 'It's not just a loaf of bread, it's a symbol of hope in a world that's always trying to toast us'

My main character energy is so strong, if I try on clothes and they don't fit right...

I don't blame the clothes. I blame the wardrobe department for misinterpreting the script.