I tried meditating this morning, like my wellness app suggested.

Five minutes in, my brain was just a frantic PowerPoint presentation of every undone chore, forgotten email, and questionable life choice I've ever made.

I was at the grocery store, dramatically monologuing to myself about the meaning of life in the cereal aisle

when I realized I was just trying to decide between Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies

When my ex broke up with me, I didn't just cry.

I dramatically walked away mid-sentence, into the pouring rain, and only once I was half a block down the street did I remember my car was parked *right behind him* and I had to do a very undramatic U-turn.

I bought a new pair of jeans that advertised 'invisible stretch technology.'

Turns out, 'invisible' just means they invisibly judge every single one of my life choices as I try to get them on.