He had 'Lover of good vibes and positive energy' in his Instagram bio.

His last five stories were screenshots of petty arguments in his group chat.

I bought a new dress today that actually had functional pockets.

For a split second, I felt like I'd won the lottery. Then I remembered I still had to carry my purse for all the things that wouldn't fit in those 'functional' pockets.

I went on a first date last night, and he said he was really looking for someone 'spontaneous' and 'go-with-the-flow'.

I swear, I spent three hours before that date carefully curating the illusion of spontaneity, right down to my strategically messy hair and the 'just threw this on' outfit I spent an hour picking out.

He said he was looking for a woman with her own ambitions, her own life, someone who 'doesn't need constant attention.'

Then he called me 'busy' because I didn't immediately respond to his 'hey' at 11:30 AM on a workday.