I've been dating a girl who's a professional librarian, and she's always trying to get me to check out her catalog and see if we have a good connection.

My girlfriend told me she wanted a man who was good with his hands, like a carpenter.

She said I spend too much time measuring and not enough time nailing.

I went on a first date with a woman last night, and she told me she was really into self-care.

So I asked if she meant meditation, yoga, or just making sure she had enough clean batteries.

My ex always told me I had a head for business...

...which was confusing, because I was usually between her legs.