My parents always said they wanted me to have a better life than them.

Now it looks like the only thing I'm inheriting is their economic anxiety.

My boss told me to 'manifest a positive outcome'

when I asked for a raise.

I'm trying to buy a house, but my budget is tight

I've got a 500k mortgage and a 5k salary, I'm basically just renting money from the bank at this point

My doctor asked me about my long-term health plan.

I told him, 'Well, if things don't pick up, I'm just researching the best prices for my organs.'