My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be more of an alpha male in bed.

I said, "Okay, but you'll have to start leaving me food on the floor."

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to 'take her breath away' in bed.

I said, 'Honey, I thought we agreed we were done with the chokeholds.'

My wife was complaining the other day. She said I never properly finish the job, always leaving things uneven and requiring her to pick up the slack, and that I really needed to work on my strokes to get a good, smooth coat.

She was talking about the new paint job in the living room, of course.

I told my date I was a master of seduction and could make any woman swoon.

She just laughed and said I was just a bass player.