This Valentine's Day, I'm celebrating by getting into a long-term, committed relationship.

With my couch and a streaming service. We're very exclusive.

Why did the coffee file a police report on Valentine's Day?

Because it got mugged by love

Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid?

Because I just cut myself trying to open this Valentine's candy wrapper.

I've been trying to find the perfect Valentine's Day gift

but it's hard when the only person I'm shopping for is my cat, and all she wants is tuna