I love how some skincare products claim to be 'anti-aging' as if they're not just delaying the inevitable

I saw a guy's Tinder bio that said he was a 'dog dad' with a 'heart of gold'

But his only photos were of him holding someone else's dog

I was at the grocery store, buying avocados for my toast, and I thought to myself

I'm not just purchasing produce, I'm making a poignant statement about the fleeting nature of millennial trends, and the camera pans out as I dramatically declare, 'I'll take a dozen, and a side of existential dread.'

I spent a solid hour this morning making myself look 'effortlessly put together.'

Which means I've now got about a three-hour grace period before humidity, gravity, or my own face decides to stage a coup.