I was having a particularly mundane day, so I decided to spice things up

I started narrating my laundry cycle in a David Attenborough voice, and now I'm convinced my socks are on a journey of self-discovery

I don't just lose my keys in the house.

I initiate a full-blown, high-stakes search montage with dramatic flashbacks and a self-narrated internal monologue about the cruel hand of fate, before finding them exactly where I left them.

When I'm having a bad day, I don't just mope around.

I find the nearest window, gaze out pensively at nothing, and patiently wait for the rain to start, because every great character arc needs a 'staring out the window while it rains' scene.

I've started using a planner to organize my life, which is just a nice way of saying

I'm paying $20 to write down all the things I'm not going to do