My biggest life goal isn't buying a house or traveling the world.

It's finding a pair of women's jeans with pockets deep enough that my phone doesn't look like it's trying to make a daring escape every time I sit down.

My cat just knocked over a vase and shattered it on the floor.

I immediately started narrating the scene in my head, a detached, melancholic voice-over, musing on the fragility of beauty and the chaos of existence, as if I were in a French art house film.

He said I was 'too picky' because I wanted a guy who could hold a conversation and, you know, ideally have a job.

Meanwhile, his dating profile said 'seeking a woman who's naturally gorgeous, a gourmet chef, and loves watching all 8 seasons of my favorite anime.' Pretty sure we have different definitions of 'picky,' fellas.

Some guys on dating apps say they want an 'independent woman.'

What they actually mean is 'a woman who doesn't *need* anything from me, but is always available for me.'