He told me he was 'a really good cook' on his dating profile, and that he loved making 'gourmet meals.'

Turns out 'gourmet' means microwaving chicken nuggets and serving them on a plate he just rinsed under the tap.

He spent 20 minutes on our first date explaining the basics of my own job to me.

I just smiled and nodded, because apparently, listening is 'attractive' when *I* do it.

I've been noticing that guys on dating apps love to say they're 'entrepreneurs'

But it's just code for 'I'm unemployed and playing video games in my mom's basement'

I was struggling to open a really stubborn jar of pickles the other day.

And I swear, I heard a dramatic cello score kick in as I narrowed my eyes, gripped the lid, and whispered, 'It’s just you and me now, pal. Don't think I'll break.'