I saw a guy's dating profile where he described himself as 'low-key' and looking for 'good vibes only.'

Which I've learned is code for 'I bring absolutely nothing to the table, and I will never acknowledge your feelings.'

I love how some guys on their dating profiles claim they're 'passionate about travel' and 'love adventure.'

Turns out 'adventure' means driving an hour to a different state's Buffalo Wild Wings.

I was at the grocery store, dramatically monologuing to myself about the meaning of life in the cereal aisle

when I realized I was just trying to decide between Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies

My tire went flat on the way to work this morning.

And instead of just calling roadside assistance, I stood there, hair dramatically blowing in the breeze, gazing thoughtfully into the middle distance, knowing this unexpected detour was surely the universe's profound way of setting me on a new, cinematic path.