I'm not just running late for work, I'm

orchestrating a thrilling, against-all-odds, commute-as-action-movie sequence, complete with a pulse-pounding soundtrack and an Oscar-worthy monologue about the tribulations of public transportation.

I matched with a guy on a dating app whose bio said he was looking for 'someone who can keep up'.

My main hobbies are doomscrolling and wondering if I locked the front door. I think I'm gonna need a head start.

He had 'Lover of good vibes and positive energy' in his Instagram bio.

His last five stories were screenshots of petty arguments in his group chat.

I've started using a meditation app to help me relax before bed

Now I'm just competitive about how well I can relax, and I'm pretty sure that defeats the purpose