My boss told me I need to stop coming up short on my deadlines.

I told him, 'At least I'm not the one coming early.'

I told my date I was a master of seduction and could make any woman swoon.

She just laughed and said I was just a bass player.

My neighbor, who's a master gardener, told me the key to a thriving patch...

...is knowing exactly when to go deep, get dirty, and give it a good watering.

I've been dating a girl who's into tantric sex, which is all about prolonging the experience.

Now I know why her Netflix subscription is still active after 6 months of us watching the same episode of 'Stranger Things'.