My new barber asked me how I wanted my head.

I told him I like it when he really works it over and leaves it feeling good.

My girlfriend recently told me she wanted me to put more effort into our love life. She said she was tired of me just going straight for it and finishing too quickly.

I told her, 'Look, I treat sex like I treat my taxes: I just want to get it over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.'

I've been dating a girl who's a professional cryptologist, and she's always trying to crack my code

But honestly, I think she's just looking for a backdoor entry

My girlfriend just got into competitive eating.

She said she loves to loosen her jaw and really open wide for the biggest challenges.