He had 'Lover of good vibes and positive energy' in his Instagram bio.

His last five stories were screenshots of petty arguments in his group chat.

My performance review said I needed to 'soften my delivery' while simultaneously being 'more decisive.'

So now I just deliver all my tough decisions with a gentle pat on the head and a freshly baked cookie.

I'm not just running late for work, I'm

orchestrating a thrilling, against-all-odds, commute-as-action-movie sequence, complete with a pulse-pounding soundtrack and an Oscar-worthy monologue about the tribulations of public transportation.

When I'm trying on clothes at the store, it's not just a fitting room experience.

It's a full-blown montage sequence set to an indie pop anthem, where I discover my true self in a sensible blazer, culminating in a dramatic slow-motion spin under the fluorescent lights.