My performance review said I needed to 'soften my delivery' while simultaneously being 'more decisive.'

So now I just deliver all my tough decisions with a gentle pat on the head and a freshly baked cookie.

I've started using a planner to organize my life, which is just a nice way of saying

I'm paying $20 to write down all the things I'm not going to do

I love that corporate dress codes are getting more relaxed these days.

It just means I can spend 20 minutes trying to find the *perfect* blazer to make my 'dressed-up' sweatpants look professional.

My new dry shampoo promised to give me 'effortless volume.'

And by 'effortless,' they apparently meant 20 minutes of strategic spraying, head flipping, and frantic finger-combing to achieve that perfect 'just rolled out of bed, but in a cute way' vibe.