My therapist told me I need to be more present in the moment.

I told her sometimes I just can't help myself from coming early.

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to try something new, something 'really deep and meaningful' in our relationship.

So I spent an hour trying to figure out if she meant anal or missionary.

My wife said I need to be more hands-on around the house.

I told her I'm happy to help, but she usually wants me to 'drill down' in a very specific area.

My neighbor asked if I could come over and help her out. She said she had a really stubborn patch in her garden that just wouldn't get wet enough, no matter how much she tried to work it herself. She really needed a big, strong man to come over, get it good and soft, and then jam something long and hard right in there.

Turns out she wanted me to help her plant a new fence post.