I bought a new pair of jeans that actually have real, functional pockets.

I've been carrying my phone, wallet, and keys in them all week, just walking around the house, marveling at the sheer novelty.

I spent an entire evening at a wedding trying to look graceful in a pair of stunning new heels.

By the time the dance floor opened, I'd already calculated the fastest route to the emergency exits if these things caused a permanent foot injury.

He told me he was looking for a woman who 'challenges him.'

And I thought, 'Great, I can start by challenging your assumption that 'tidying up' means moving things from one flat surface to another.'

I went to the grocery store yesterday, and the self-checkout machine started beeping at me.

I silenced it with a stern glance, then dramatically placed my final item on the scale like it was the detonator in an action movie.