My girlfriend told me she wanted more passion in our relationship.

I said, "Fine, but if you want me to scream your name during sex, you're going to have to stop using so many lube brands with numbing agents."

I've been taking pottery classes, and my instructor says I have a natural talent...

...for getting my hands deep into the clay and making it spin just right.

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her 'knight in shining armor' in the bedroom.

So I showed up in full plate mail and spent the next hour trying to figure out how to get my dick out.

My financial advisor told me I really needed to diversify my assets.

I told him, 'Don't worry, I already have a very well-rounded portfolio.'