My mom keeps telling me to 'just buy a starter home.'

I told her the only starter home I can afford is the one in Monopoly.

My doctor asked me about my long-term health plan.

I told him, 'Well, if things don't pick up, I'm just researching the best prices for my organs.'

My therapist told me I need to embrace vulnerability.

So I immediately bought a weighted blanket so heavy I can barely move.

My therapist said I need to practice self-compassion.

So I let myself order takeout three nights in a row instead of cooking.