My coffee machine decided to stop working this morning.

So, I stood there, dramatically caressed the cold metal, and delivered a five-minute monologue to it about betrayal, loss, and the cruel indifference of a world without caffeine, as if I were starring in a prestige drama.

Guys love to put 'fluent in sarcasm' in their dating app bios.

Which I guess is easier than being fluent in, you know, 'replying to texts' or 'asking follow-up questions'.

My boss told me he really appreciates my 'calm presence' and 'ability to stay composed' during chaotic team meetings.

I think that's just a nice way of saying 'her internal screaming is so impressively quiet, you can't even hear it through her forced smile.'

He said his ideal partner was someone 'spontaneous and adventurous,' someone who 'isn't afraid to explore new horizons.'

His entire Hinge profile was just pictures of him holding different craft beers, and the only 'new horizon' he mentioned was a new brewery opening with better parking.