My new nutritionist told me to make sure I get a good, deep swallow with every meal.

I told her I already do that, but usually with a different kind of protein.

I've been dating a girl who's a professional librarian, and she's always trying to get me to check out her catalog and see if we have a good connection.

I've been dating a girl who's a professional taxidermist, and she's always trying to get me to mount something that's been dead for a while.

I asked my financial advisor what the key to long-term satisfaction was.

He just sighed and said, 'Honestly, it's usually over too soon.'