My main character energy is so strong, if I accidentally spill coffee on my shirt...

...I don't just grab a napkin. I freeze, look directly into a non-existent camera, and whisper, 'Is this... my life now?'

I've been noticing that guys on dating apps love to brag about being 'dog dads'

but their idea of 'parenting' is just posting a cousin's dog on their profile

I've started noticing that guys on dating apps love to claim they're 'foodies'

But when you ask them to recommend a restaurant, they send you a screenshot of a grilled cheese they made in 2018

I've started using a planner to organize my life, which is just a nice way of saying

I'm paying $20 to write down all the things I'm not going to do