He told me he was looking for a woman who 'challenges him.'

And I thought, 'Great, I can start by challenging your assumption that 'tidying up' means moving things from one flat surface to another.'

I've started using a mindfulness app to help me stay focused throughout the day

Now I'm just mindfully aware of how much I'm procrastinating

I asked for a raise today.

My boss told me he really valued my 'team spirit' and 'positive attitude.' I'm pretty sure he just complimented me on being polite while asking for more money.

My main character energy is so intense, when I'm stuck on hold with customer service...

...I rehearse an Oscar-worthy monologue about corporate injustice, complete with dramatic pauses, just in case they decide to pick up mid-soliloquy.