I saw a guy's dating profile that said he was looking for a woman who could 'match his energy.'

My man, your energy is 'sweatpants and asking if I'm busy tonight at 10 PM on a Tuesday.'

My performance review said I needed to 'soften my delivery' while simultaneously being 'more decisive.'

So now I just deliver all my tough decisions with a gentle pat on the head and a freshly baked cookie.

I'm not one to complain about minor setbacks, but the other day my coffee shop order was wrong, so

I delivered a 10-minute soliloquy about the human condition, the fleeting nature of caffeine, and the crushing despair of a misplaced creamer, all while the barista stood there, politely asking if I wanted it remade.

I got all the way to the front of the checkout line at the grocery store, and realized I'd forgotten my wallet.

I didn't apologize. I just locked eyes with the cashier, took a deep breath, and dramatically declared, 'The universe, it seems, has decided to bestow upon me a fasting day.'