My parents always told me to follow my dreams.

Now my dreams are just about affording groceries that aren't on sale.

I've been doing the work in therapy to recognize my emotional triggers

now I can identify the exact moment I'm about to send a drunk text

My manager told me to 'optimize my passion' for the company.

But honestly, my only passion right now is optimizing my sleep schedule.

I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update, but my manager said

that would ruin the 'synergy' of watching each other drink coffee for 15 minutes