I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update

but my manager said that would 'kill the synergy' – code for 'I love hearing myself talk'.

My manager told me to 'optimize my passion' for the company.

But honestly, my only passion right now is optimizing my sleep schedule.

I've got three side hustles just to afford my main job's commute.

My mom keeps telling me to 'just buy a starter home.'

I told her the only starter home I can afford is the one in Monopoly.