My girlfriend asked me what the difference was between me and a vibrator.

I told her, 'Well, I can make you breakfast the next morning.'

I've been taking private lessons from a professional seamstress, and she's been teaching me about the art of piercing, stitching, and threading.

Now I can finally mend our torn relationship.

I've been dating a clockmaker, and she's always trying to wind me up

I've been dating a girl who's a talented baker, and she's always trying to get me to rise to the occasion.

But honestly, I think she's just kneading the attention.