I saw a guy's Tinder bio that said he was a 'dog dad' with a 'heart of gold'

But his only photos were of him holding someone else's dog

I was at the grocery store, dramatically tossing items into my cart, when I caught myself

narrating my own shopping experience in a voiceover, 'She reaches for the organic quinoa, a symbol of her defiance against the mundane.'

My 'main character energy' is so strong, I don't just 'run errands.'

I'm performing a meticulously choreographed montage of purposeful strides set to an empowering indie soundtrack, culminating in me dramatically slamming my trunk closed and driving off into the sunset, even if it's 2 PM and I'm just going home with paper towels.

I love buying clothes online.

It's like playing a fun game of 'will this make me look like the model, or a potato wearing a sack?'