I've been dating a girl who's really into astrology, and she told me our love was written in the stars.

But honestly, I think our love life is more like a lunar cycle – it's all about the phases, and sometimes it's just a dark void for weeks.

My girlfriend asked me to help her with a new recipe last night. She said it needed a lot of careful preparation, a firm grip, and then I really had to beat it hard until it was stiff and peaked, ready for her to spread it out and enjoy.

Turns out she was just making meringue.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to feel something 'deep and meaningful' in bed.

I told her, 'Honey, if you wanted a colonoscopy, you could have just said so.'

My girlfriend told me she loves foreplay.

I told her, 'Great, because I usually need about an hour and a half just to get my socks off.'