My new girlfriend confessed she was a little nervous about getting intimate with me. She said she'd never been with a guy quite as... *big*. She was worried it might be too tight.

I just smiled and told her, "Don't worry, sweetheart. I used to work at IKEA. I can get *anything* into a tight space, even if it doesn't quite follow the diagram."

My girlfriend told me she wanted to move in together to 'take our relationship to the next level.'

I said, 'Great, now you can finally see how long it takes for me to get off when I'm not faking it.'

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be more aggressive in bed, to really dominate her and make her feel things she'd never felt before.

I said, 'Honey, I'm flattered, but I'm a lover, not a chiropractor!'

My new Pilates instructor told me I need to really engage my core, get deep into my pelvic floor, and then slowly release it with control.

I'm still not sure what a 'hundreds' exercise is, but I'm getting quite good at it.