My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be more passionate and put more effort into our sex life.

I told her, 'Baby, I'm putting in all the effort *I've got*. You want more, you gotta start paying me.'

My career counselor said I needed to figure out how to get ahead in life.

I told her I thought I was already quite proficient at it.

My new job involves a lot of delicate handling. I have to make sure I grasp the shaft firmly, get it properly seated, and then apply steady pressure until it's fully inserted and locked in place.

I'm a professional forklift operator.

I've been taking private lessons from a professional clockmaker

and she's been teaching me how to wind people up