I'm not single on Valentine's Day, I'm just

in a long-distance relationship with my couch and Netflix.

Are you a Valentine's Day coupon?

Because you're redeemable in my heart and I want to cash in on our love

I'm celebrating Valentine's Day this year by

reorganizing my Netflix queue into 'alone and happy' categories.

Are you a Valentine's card?

Because you're covered in glitter... and now my whole house is too.