I've been trying to find my perfect match on dating apps

but so far, it's just been a series of swipes, disappointment, and proof that my friends were wrong when they said I'm a catch

My Valentine's Day plans are pretty romantic, actually.

It involves me, a blanket, and a very serious, committed relationship with my takeout menu.

Are you a Valentine's Day heart-shaped balloon?

Because you're inflating my expectations of love and I don't want you to pop out of my life.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

Because my Valentine's chocolates are melting faster than my romantic expectations.