My girlfriend told me she wanted to move in together to 'take our relationship to the next level.'

I said, 'Great, now you can finally see how long it takes for me to get off when I'm not faking it.'

I've been taking private lessons from a professional florist, and she's been teaching me about the art of pruning and arranging the perfect bouquet.

Now I'm really good at handling the stems and getting to the root of the problem.

I've been dating a librarian, and she's always checking me out.

I've been dating a girl who's a professional voice actor, and she's always doing different accents in bed

But honestly, the only one that ever comes close to the real thing is the one she uses when she's faking it