My friend just described herself as 'low-maintenance' because she only buys one type of moisturizer.

And I thought, 'Honey, I just spent ten minutes deciding if my bra straps were visible enough to be an accessory or an oversight. That's *my* version of 'just rolling out of bed'.'

My boss told me he really appreciates my 'calm presence' and 'ability to stay composed' during chaotic team meetings.

I think that's just a nice way of saying 'her internal screaming is so impressively quiet, you can't even hear it through her forced smile.'

I was running late for work and spilled coffee all over my shirt

So, I monologued to myself in the mirror, 'It's not just a stain, it's a metaphor for the chaos that is my life,' and then I walked out the door like I was in a Scorsese film.

He put in his profile that he was 'over the drama' and wanted a 'no-fuss, chill' girl.

Then he spent our entire first date explaining why his last four relationships were 'crazy'.