I've been dating a girl who's a professional taxidermist, and she's always trying to get me to mount something that's been dead for a while.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to feel something 'deep and meaningful' in bed.

I told her, 'Honey, if you wanted a colonoscopy, you could have just said so.'

Why did the man name his dick 'Cashew'?

Because every time he got excited, it went nuts.

My girlfriend spent an hour in the dressing room yesterday trying on new pants.

When she finally emerged, she sighed and said, "It was a tight squeeze, and took a lot of maneuvering, but I think I'm really going to enjoy these."