Some people spend Valentine's Day searching for their soulmate.

I'm just trying to decide if my soulmate is the pizza delivery guy or the remote control.

I've decided to treat myself on Valentine's Day

Because let's be real, I'm the only one who still thinks I'm a good catch

Are you a Valentine's Day cookie?

Because you're sugar sweet and I want to dough-nate my heart to you

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Because you just landed on my foot, and I'm pretty sure I heard something crack.