Valentine's Day always makes me think of couples like competitive athletes...

...they spend all year casually dating, then on February 14th, it's suddenly the Olympics of romance.

Why did the coffee file a police report on Valentine's Day?

Because it got mugged by love

Why did the couple bring a magnet on their Valentine's Day date?

Because they wanted to attract some love

Valentine's Day is when everyone celebrates finding their 'better half'.

I'm celebrating my 'better *alone* half' – the one who gets the whole couch and doesn't have to share snacks.