My neighbor called me over late last night, frantic because her pipes were really backed up. She said she needed a big, strong man to come over and give them a good pounding until everything started flowing freely again.

Turns out she just needed a plunger.

I went on a first date with a woman last night, and she told me she was really into self-care.

So I asked if she meant meditation, yoga, or just making sure she had enough clean batteries.

They say men fantasize about having sex with multiple women.

And women fantasize about having sex with *one* man who doesn't need directions.

I've been dating a girl who's a professional voice actor, and she's always doing different accents in bed

But honestly, the only one that ever comes close to the real thing is the one she uses when she's faking it