My girlfriend just got into competitive eating.

She said she loves to loosen her jaw and really open wide for the biggest challenges.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to feel something 'deep and meaningful' in bed.

I told her, 'Honey, if you wanted a colonoscopy, you could have just said so.'

I've been taking private lessons from a professional seamstress, and she's been teaching me about the art of piercing, stitching, and threading.

Now I can finally mend our torn relationship.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to experiment with something new in bed. She said, 'Let's try anal.'

I said, 'Honey, I've been trying that for years. It's called marriage.'