My girlfriend told me she loves foreplay.

I told her, 'Great, because I usually need about an hour and a half just to get my socks off.'

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be more aggressive in bed, to really dominate her and make her feel things she'd never felt before.

I said, 'Honey, I'm flattered, but I'm a lover, not a chiropractor!'

My wife was complaining about our plumbing last night. She said something about needing a man who could really handle a pipe, get deep down, and know how to screw things tight to stop the leaking.

So I called a plumber, and he'll be here Monday.

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to 'take her breath away' in bed.

I said, 'Honey, I thought we agreed we were done with the chokeholds.'