They say diamonds are forever, and chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand...

...but my preferred Valentine's gift is a streaming service that doesn't ask 'Are you still watching?' because it *knows* I am.

Valentine's Day always makes me think of couples like competitive athletes...

...they spend all year casually dating, then on February 14th, it's suddenly the Olympics of romance.

I'm not arguing that Valentine's Day is overrated, but

I just think it's a holiday created by florists and jewelers to make singles feel like they're in a real-life game of 'Monopoly' – paying rent, but no one's getting a free park.

I'm celebrating Valentine's Day this year by

reorganizing my Netflix queue into 'lonely nights' and 'even lonelier nights' categories.