My friends asked what my big romantic plans were for Valentine's Day.

I told them I'm having a passionate affair... with my sweatpants and a gallon of ice cream. It's complicated, but we make it work.

What did the chocolate bar say to its sweetheart?

I'm nuts about you!

Some people spend Valentine's Day searching for their soulmate.

I'm just trying to decide if my soulmate is the pizza delivery guy or the remote control.

Are you a Valentine's Day candy heart?

Because you're 'sweet' and full of 'messages'... and probably a little chalky.