I've been trying to find my perfect match on dating apps

but so far, it's just been a series of swipes, disappointment, and proof that my friends were wrong when they said I'm a catch

I've been trying to find the perfect Valentine's Day gift

but it's hard when the only person I'm in a relationship with is Netflix, and they already know my password

My ideal Valentine's Day date involves candlelight and soft music...

...which is just me eating pizza in the dark so I don't have to share, and my neighbors are playing their bass too loud.

Are you a calendar?

Because I'd love to date you, but I really need to check my schedule first.