My friends asked what my big romantic plans were for Valentine's Day.

I told them I'm having a passionate affair... with my sweatpants and a gallon of ice cream. It's complicated, but we make it work.

Valentine's Day is when everyone celebrates finding their 'better half'.

I'm celebrating my 'better *alone* half' – the one who gets the whole couch and doesn't have to share snacks.

My ideal Valentine's Day involves a long, loving relationship...

...with my remote control and a very large pizza.

What did the rose say to its Valentine?

I'm pollen in love with you!